Sometimes I wonder, when are we going to wake up from this all? Today I was waiting in line at the post office and my mind was wandering: why am I often the only white person at the post office these days, do all middle and upper-class white people ship online now, and how fucked up is that, and, wow, has education become so crazy expensive and inaccessible that this Black woman is inquiring about shipping some textbooks that look like they are about ready to get recycled? It just feels like the changes for the worse (I mean how long will that post office even stay open given budget cuts?), the bottomless pit that is most people's day-to-day living conditions, are a big farce, some kind of warped practical joke and someone will suddenly say, "got ya!"

***

These days I feel incapable of reconciling all my identities. I'm a mom, first, ever since Ruby was born. But before then I was, and still am, a feminist. A heterosexually coupled partner. A labor organizer. A daughter, sister (grandchild no more), and friend. An academic. White and middle-class, but also a worker subjected to a boss. A renter and a debtor. More recently an active parent member of Ruby's school. A patient in a therapy practice. Oh, and a revolutionary socialist.

But I can't wear all of these identities all the time. And while many of them overlap, the combination's change constantly. I'm often stuck in a tug of war between them and at the end of the day I often feel rattled and torn.

What baffles me is that I can't imagine I'm the only person struggling with this, even though it sure as hell seems that way most of the time.

***

I wrote, and then stopped writing, all of the above back in August. And now, in January, re-reading it, I'm shocked because I didn't know then how much worse my despair would become.

***

A few months ago, I read a science-fiction book about a post-oil world. It was amazing, but it scared me into an ever-deeper fucking depression. It's coming and it's coming fast. We're not prepared and any transformation to a post-oil reality will be harsh and revolutionary in the worst possible way imaginable and more.

***

A few weeks ago I turned to David, and told him, "we'll never see relative prosperity again in our lifetime." He agreed. Read this if you don't believe me: http://www.socialistproject.ca/bullet/454.php. So now what do I tell Ruby? All she knows about this fucked up world is that "fighting is bad" (aka wars) and that "Martin Luther King was a mighty mighty man" (her quote, really) and that some mean people shot him. Babe, it's gonna get worse.

***

I was getting coffee the other day and marveling at capitalist marketing gone out of control (=Starbucks) and then had to tell myself, "I'm just getting coffee, alright, let's not worry about rebuilding left unity for a minute." It was an awesome coffee, without frills, thank you very much.

***

Even when at the bottom of that dark pit of lost hope and disgust at the crap out there, I know, right down to my tippy toes, within the deepest confines of my whole body and whole self, that I'll keep at it. Here and there. That's pretty depressing, too. (Except for that part where I realized that more sleep helps me feel cheerful and cheerful makes for a happier home, so more sleep it is.)

***

I don't want any "it'll be alright," or "you have to take care of yourself, too" responses, please. However, kudos to whoever can suggest how I can get a deep wooden splinter out of Ruby's foot without her screaming bloody murder, because my revolutionary musings seem to come up short on that front, thanks! See, I know how to admit defeat when I need to.